Random Flow of Thoughts

I just took a big bite out of the salty hard home made burger that I spent hours making today. Recently, the only thing that I don't mind wasting my time on is experimenting with food. I'm driven by a mix of curiosity, hunger and the hope of being praised by my peers for my exceptional good skills of cooking. The funny thing is, I've always said that I do not care what people think of me. Still, I need them to appreciate what I do or else I lose my motivation for doing it. I know!! It sounds contradicting, doesn't it? I don't know what to say. I am ashamed of myself. I have figured that I am motivated by the approval of people for quite some time now. I wasn't like that when I was younger. Was I?

I used to be the lone kid that doesn't talk much. I used to like walking at night next to the beach, listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the wave breakers. I used to drift in my imagination a lot about the future, what will happen then, and how I will be changing the world from behind the scenes and only a few will know what I really did. But as I grew old, I lost the privilege of looking and dreaming about the future.

Today, if I look into the future, I see an old wrinkled me, forgotten, with no one around, and more useless than now. I started to value the time that I have right now more than ever. If I will ever be great, it should now! "Now is the time to be great OMAR!" .... Never mind that voice. It's an echo that have been going around in my head since I entered my thirties. I won't lie to you. I do not know how to be great. I have all these skills, but I couldn't come up with one idea that can convince me that it is the thing, or the path to my greatness. Everything I thought off is .. normal. Not to mention that I cannot understand what people like these days. My taste is so out dated. Whenever I say "I'll make a great drawing that everyone will like.", only a handful like it; probably they just like me and so they are just being polite. And the funny thing is that when I do something I consider 'sketchy' or 'crappy', it gets swamped with likes. This is so confusing for me! not to mention ...stuff stuff that I cannot share in public...

OK, I would love to continue this rant and talk about other things... but my Mom is probably going to be reading this.. so I should stop here before I get bombarded with questions that I do not want to answers ... (Hello Mama XOXO)

*SIGH* the paradox of anonymity on the web...

Well, If you've read till here then I owe you a cup of coffee and a promise to listen to your rant someday, just remember to leave me a comment to prove it ;p